What Happens When Leaders Stop Pretending They’re Not Stressed

Hailey Wilson
Jul 28
4 min read

Emotional honesty is a strength in leadership.

Leadership often involves a steady undercurrent of pressure. Each day brings decisions to make, people to support, and challenges to navigate. Many leaders move through these moments quietly, managing the emotional weight without naming it out loud.

This quiet endurance can create distance. When leaders hold their stress in, their teams may sense something is off but not know what it is. When leaders bring more self-awareness and emotional presence to their work, they open the door to stronger relationships, better decisions, and more resilient teams.

Understanding Stress Through Research

Dr. Kelly McGonigal, a psychologist at Stanford University, has studied how people respond to stress. Her research shows that the way we interpret stress affects our performance and well-being. When leaders view stress as a signal that something meaningful is happening, they often become more focused and capable under pressure.

Neuroscientists have also explored how the brain responds in high-stress situations. Emotional intelligence skills help engage the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reflection, decision-making, and self-control. This gives leaders more flexibility in how they respond when things get tense or uncertain.

The Emotional Work Leaders Do - Leading Under Stress

Some of the most demanding parts of leadership never appear on a schedule.

You walk into a room and sense something unspoken in the air.
A staff member shares that they are burned out.
A discussion suddenly turns tense and you need to keep it constructive.
You speak carefully because your words might be recorded or repeated later.

These moments ask leaders to stay grounded, present, and clear. They often unfold quickly and without warning. Emotional intelligence gives leaders tools to handle these moments with steadiness and care.

What It Means to Lead with Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence includes a set of practical skills that help leaders notice, understand, and work with emotions—both their own and others’. These skills show up in everyday moments.

In our work with higher education leaders, city officials, nonprofit directors, healthcare managers, and executives, we’ve seen emotional intelligence come to life in many ways:

A provost notices tension in the room and chooses to name it before moving into dialogue.
A nonprofit director listens fully and asks thoughtful questions after a disagreement.
A municipal leader opens a meeting by acknowledging the challenges the community is facing.
A team lead learns to recognize signs of overload and takes a short pause to refocus.

These actions strengthen trust and help teams move through conflict with less reactivity. They also help leaders stay connected to their values, even under pressure.

The Five Core Capacities of Emotional Intelligence

Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman introduced a widely used model of emotional intelligence. It includes five key capacities. Each one supports effective leadership and can be practiced over time.

1. Self-Awareness: Recognizing your emotions and where they come from. Self-awareness helps leaders stay conscious of what they are feeling and how it might affect their decisions and interactions.

Try this: Ask yourself each morning: “What am I bringing into today—mentally and emotionally?”

2. Self-Regulation: Managing your emotions so they don’t manage you. This capacity supports thoughtful responses instead of automatic reactions. It helps leaders stay calm and centered, even when situations are difficult.

Try this: Before speaking in a tense moment, take one steady breath. That pause can reset your focus.

3. Motivation: Staying connected to your purpose and values, especially during challenge. Leaders with strong motivation direct their energy toward meaningful goals. They keep showing up, even when the work feels hard.

Try this: At the start of each week, reflect on what impact you want to make—and what actions support that goal.

4. Empathy: Understanding what others may be feeling or needing—even if they don’t say it outright. Empathy helps leaders read the emotional tone in a room. It builds connection and creates space for others to feel seen.

Try this: During a disagreement, ask yourself: “What might this person need in order to feel understood or safe?”

5. Social Skill: Building relationships and communicating in ways that move groups forward. This includes the ability to offer feedback, set boundaries, resolve conflict, and foster a healthy team dynamic.

Try this: During meetings, observe the energy and body language of the group. Noticing shifts in tone helps you respond with greater clarity.

Why These Skills Matter

Teams respond to how their leaders carry themselves. A steady presence builds trust. Clear communication creates safety. Awareness, empathy, and reflection shape how people work together.

Leaders who develop emotional intelligence often see meaningful results:

Teams experience fewer breakdowns in communication.
Decisions are made with more calm and clarity.
Employees stay longer and feel more engaged.
Cultures become more resilient, especially during times of change.

These outcomes grow over time, supported by consistent practice and intentional choices.

Want to Explore Your Own Leadership Style?

We created a free 5-minute Emotional Intelligence & Change Leadership Self-Assessment to help you:

Identify your leadership style during change (Visionary, Stabilizer, or Educator).
See which emotional intelligence capacities are strongest.
Get tailored next steps to support your growth.

👉 Take the Free Assessment Now (No signup required. No sales pitch. Just insight.)

Continue the Conversation with Eremos Leadership

We recently hosted a Lunch & Learn session on emotional intelligence and leadership. If you’d like more ideas and examples, you can watch the replay here:

🎥 Watch the Replay

Eremos Leadership partners with individuals and teams to: